March 26, 2016

Township and Life Lessons

Posted in Life at 11:11 am by Tablets of Memories

Township, a google or iphone app, has my latest addiction and distraction from life, pain, and issues that I need to face. It occupies too much of my time and I’m well aware of this fact. I surmise that I could be a millionaire by now if I just focused the same amount of time on my life.

Escapism: that’s my problem.

Fear + Escapism = Goals in life not accomplished, living a dreary mundane life, waiting for the fear to pass so I can do something with my life.

I’m scared therefore I escape therefore I’m not happy with my life.

Right now I’m procrastinating my essays for my class. It is frustrating me and I’m unable to wrap my head around how I’m going to write it, so I am dealing with the inner turmoil and fear by turning to township.

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Township is my crack cocaine of the moment and I have gotten horribly addicted to it. It is hugely satisfying for me and gives me pleasure, which I have troubles feeling in life. Township is the rabbit hole I disappear into when life becomes to daunting and frustrating… which lately for me occurs pretty much every minute.

Today  the game is frustrating me because my barn is full therefore it makes it hard to put more products into it so I can sell the product to the towns people, so I can acquire more points to expand my town or generate building materials needed to expand my town.

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I am getting so annoyed that the barn is stuffed and no more can fit into it, I’m almost tempted to stop playing the game… Almost, but not quite. I keep trying to play, constantly being rejected with my goal of putting more products into the barn. I am getting more and more frustrated as it is taking me longer to play the game and it is slowing me down from accomplishing the other smaller tasks around the town so I can achieve the big prize of building a community building. If I build the community building I expand my town, I can build more houses, etc. etc.

I check on a community building to see how much more products I need before it can be built. 3 more pieces of glass. That’s it. I’m so close. Only 3 more pieces of glass. So that’s why my barn is so full, because it is filled with all the product I need to make the next expansion.

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Then it hits me…. Just like in life, sometimes you are so close to expanding and you are frustrated that you have not achieve this life lesson or become stalled or come up against obstacles over and over again preventing you from going where you want to go, however, maybe it’s just that the universe is looking out for you!

It’s blocking you from doing the small things that don’t matter because something bigger is about to take place,  it’s right around the corner, you just have to have patience and it will make you even happier to accomplish the big goal vs. the small goal you are trying to do in that moment.

I love how life lessons and connections are taught even through arbitrary video games. All of a sudden things made sense.

Granted I was still feeling frustrated and annoyed, however, it enabled me to extend patience to myself and send love to the impatient inner child who was trying to grab the cookie, when instead there will be a chocolate covered strawberry which I love even more than cookies, just a couple steps to the right. I just had to readjust my course.

I was banging on the same door trying in vain to open it, when no one was home, but even more disturbing was that I was at the wrong address. All I actually needed to do was take just 3 steps over and go next door to receive something even better that I have been working towards for a long time.

Patience. Deep Breath. Patience. Everything is going to be ok.

There are many paths to a destination, I just need to be patient, another path will open up that will be way better than the road I was trying to force myself down.

Another big shift was about to come my way. What it would be? I don’t know, but I know it will be yet another big aha moment to help me understand life and help me with my cognitive processing.

March 24, 2016

Loving deeply

Posted in Life at 4:18 am by Tablets of Memories

“I’ve never had anyone love me like you do,” he whispered. It was an emotionally charged moment. Tears began to stream down his face and mine. He was laying on his death bed taking his last breaths on this earth.

“Oh God, don’t leave me. Why does everyone I love get taken away from me?” I sobbed into his chest. “You can’t leave. I love you!” I wrapped my arms tighter around his body and hugged him fiercely hoping that if I hugged him hard enough he would be granted to stay.

He offered no explanation but instead wrapped his strong arms around me and kissed my forehead. I melted into his soul and connected with his heart. Feeling an intense connection on a deep soul level was one of the incredible life changing gifts he gave me during the time we had together.

“Thank you for loving me,” I murmured into his ear.

“You’re so easy to love,” he said as he squeezed me closer into my body.

I absorbed that statement into my core being, feeling the effect of those words permeate love into every cell in my body. I wanted this moment to last forever and never end.

That was the first time anyone had ever said I was easy to love. All my life I was told by people around me:

“You are hard to love,”

“You have walls up,”

“You feel cold and distant,”

“Getting love from you is like trying to squeeze water from a stone,”

or my favourite,

“Loving you is like trying to love a cactus. All that happens is you get poked and hurt by the cactus.”

Now, here before me, I am finally presented with a man who truly respects and loves me. I can feel his genuine heart is true, allowing me to lower my guard, unafraid to love him with my entire being.

January 1, 2016

Falling head over feet…

Posted in Life, Men at 2:10 am by Tablets of Memories

They say that “when you least expect love, that’s when it comes.” As much as I have hated and raged against that statement over the past few years, I have now been humbled and will now join the collective “they” to say it’s true.

After a few months of being single, but wanting so desperately to be in a relationship, I finally decided to get into an amazing relationship with myself and just love me. I finally allowed myself to to live in the singles world and fully accept the idea that being single was good for me. My soul felt content. Instead of a boyfriend, I decided I would learn how to make and maintain a friendship with  guy.

Step 1:  Make new guy friends, but don’t fuck them (yes, I need to stipulate that with myself).

Part 1: Happened on Dec 18, Friday night * when Leslie and I tore it up at Craft. Once again I met some guy, this time he was a former pro hockey player. We got instantly hit it off. Unfortunately, he was moving to Edmonton in the New Year… This however, did not stop me from once again making another bad decision…

3 Guesses on what I did….

Ding, ding…

Yep, I f*cked the hell out of him and it was awesome. He kept uttering over and over again, “where did you come from?!? OH my God! I can’t believe I just met you! I can’t believe you are real! That mouth of yours is amazing! Where did you come from? Wow! I don’t want to move to Edmonton now! Why couldn’t I have met you sooner?”

He was good looking for a blond, well off,  an adrenaline junkie, active, and seemed intelligent, for the little amount that we did talk, and I figured he would make a fun toy to amuse myself with. I needed a manstraction and in my mind he fit perfectly into my FWB box or even just the friend box… If that is even possible after a one night stand – I figured it depended on his emotional IQ.

The next morning, any possibility of even being friends with him flew out the window because Leslie, who was still drunk from last night, 5 hours later at 8am) managed to continuously insult him as he drove us back downtown to my car.

Sometimes she irritates me when she runs her mouth because it has a tendency of creating turmoil. She once again cock blocked me and ruined any chance of getting to go out with him.

I believe everything happens for a reason and while I didn’t make the cut on Mr. Hockey Player’s rooster, someone even better showed up in my life later that day….

 

 

  • not her real name.

December 18, 2015

Why bother….

Posted in Life at 3:05 pm by Tablets of Memories

I understand the need to reflect. I’ve been thinking of things like this for quite some time now… Since September 2015 I have lost any interest in living and have given myself another 9 years to stay on this stupid planet. Once my kids are all 18 I’m out of here.

 I can’t handle the BS anymore. I have been thinking about what’s the point of life and quite frankly it’s exhausting. I don’t have any love to give and I’m barely hanging on as it is. I don’t see any point in life or any reason to keep going. I just need to keep my shit together until my youngest is 18. 

I’m just tired of constantly failing at life and I just can’t live here anymore. Maybe that is why I’m such an adrenaline junkie cuz I hope that I’ll die by doing some stupid risky activity. Don’t worry though. My plan is pretty good a fool proof. One thing I’m good at is planning and organizing shit so I won’t screw up leaving this horrible planet.  I’m just done with life. The only thing that gives me hope is that I only have 9 years left. I’m probably going to get Alzheimer’s like my dad so why wait till it gets that bad?!? I’m all for assisted suicide. 
To add insult to injury my new psychologist has diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and she thinks I’m an alcoholic cuz I binge drink (I drink 3-4 Grenades) when Leslie comes out. (Which happens once a month or so) Lol…. But ok… 

She also thinks that I am reckless with my sexuality and that I am sabotaging myself by having risky sex and going home with strangers. 

She annoys the fuck out of me. I hate her. So chalk that up along with my ADHD and my regular doc wanting me to be on lithium cuz she thinks I’m bipolar. Sigh. Just toss the entire DSM at me and gimme aaaaaallllllll the drugs! I don’t think pharmaceutical drug companies are making enough money and they need my support to feed their families. 

In addition to all that, I took the Meyers Briggs personality test and I’m an INFJ…there is only 1% of us in the world… once again I can’t even fit in… 

Looks like I stood in line for the right body but forgot to get in line for the healthy brains and just got stuck with the fucked up ones. 

I can’t seem to handle having a healthy relationship and run away from anyone that may even like me a little bit. 

I’m actually enjoying being with no one at the moment because at least I can be alone without having to be so happy and smiley all the time. Life on this planet sucks. I reaffirm my belief that people who leave this planet are the lucky ones. I’m tired of life. Just tired. Things are not going to change no matter how much I try and hope so why bother right? 

This world is filled with greed, hate, anger, and it’s priorities are fucked up. It’s going through a 6th mass extinction and I don’t blame the planet for wanting to kill everything on here. We don’t treat the planet well. Humans are a virus and a disease… We destroy everything we touch. Why bother being here while everything gets worse? 

Hunger. Disease. Homelessness. Could all be solved if people just stopped trying to kill one another and loved each other. Or quit trying to gain power and money. It’s just disgusting. I hate this planet and the people in it. I want out. Ugh. 9 years can’t come fast enough. Seriously. I’m so fucked up that things are never going to get better. 

November 26, 2015

The Pillow Queen.

Posted in Life at 4:29 pm by Tablets of Memories

Weekend 3.

Once again *Leslie came out for the weekend and in keeping true to the theme of my life: more bad decisions were made. 

Yippee… 

Friday we head out to *Josh’s brothers house for a house party. I didn’t feel like going but Leslie insisted so I dutifully accompanied her. 

There was just 5 of us, Leslie, her boyfriend, his brother, and the brothers roommate. 

Upon entering everyone was already drunk and it was catch up time which doesn’t take long for my body. 3 tequila pineapple chasers later and I’m tipsy. 2 dirty Martinis and I’m done for. 

The positive of the evening was that I learned how to make Martinis. I was so excited and pumped. One James Bond drink coming up. Shaken… Not stirred. 

Towards the end of the night I need to sleep so I head over to the brothers bedroom and we naked snuggled all night long. Now these brothers have the snuggle gene. I have never been snuggled that well besides snuggling with Dave in Florence Italy. No one has come close to that epic snuggle. 

The secret of the snuggle is the guy just spoons or mimics your every move. If you want to lay on their chest they lay on their back to accommodate that. They wrap their arms around you so you feel safe and legs intertwine with one another. If you roll over on your side the guy will roll over and spoon you immediately, wrapping his arms around you once again, legs intertwined or snuggled right in beside yours. Eventually being intertwined like this will lead to even your breathing being in sync with one another. 

Although it may seem like a simple concept many guys are not good at the snuggle. Maybe it’s because they are bigger or have more muscular chests so your head is kinked or they don’t spoon properly or the jigsaw puzzle fit just isn’t there. 
With the brother, we just clicked and fit. It was amazing. We were both naked and we didn’t have sex or fondle each other. It was awesome. Just really amazing naked snuggling. 

Saturday morning I woke up at 8:30am, got dressed and stumbled out of his apartment. I had a list of things to do and a mma competition at 10:30am that I had to be at. 

I didn’t write a note or say goodbye or send a text message because

 1. I couldn’t find a paper and pen.

 2. I didn’t know his cell number. 

Saturday night all four of us went out again. I gave Leslie a hug and everyone thought it was hugs all around. So annoying. The brother and I did an awkward hug since I was hugging everyone hello. Just for the record. I hate hugging hello unless I know someone really well. I don’t know these brothers and I’m still assessing them.

Part of me is waiting for Leslie to drop Josh and I’m actually surprised that he has lasted this long. The fact that she is still with him really speaks volumes and I’m very impressed he is still around. 

Once again we hit National on 10th and within 5 minutes of arriving I am 2 grenades and a Burt Reynolds shot drunk. Off we go to party and meet new people. Guys were buying us grenades and I was hammered. 

Josh began to pout because Leslie ditched him so I brought her back and let the two of them be together while I walked around stopping to talk to anyone who caught my fancy. I’m a social butterfly when I am drunk and I was happily chatting up a storm. 

Even though I get drunk I still remember every moment of the night and I never get to the point of blacking out. If I can feel that I’m too drunk I get a couple waters in me to lessen the alcohol and dilute it. 

We end up walking to Singapore SAMs and dancing on chairs once again. At 4am we head back to Josh’s brother, *Dustin’s house and party some more. 

Now at this point of the night somehow we begin to talk about cock sizes. Dustin brags that his is 9 1/2 inches. Which, quite frankly, makes me perk up since I am a size Queen. 

Once again in the evening naked snuggling ensues between Dustin and I. He is the perfect snuggle partner and I am so content. I miss being snuggled. It’s the one thing I miss about being in a relationship is snuggling. I love it. 

We fall asleep once again not doing anything. In the morning I wake up and wish I had my car at his place. They refused to drive it over instead taking Josh’s car over. Sigh. 

I would have bailed again at 8:30am except I didn’t have a warm enough coat to walk in -12C weather and I didn’t want to take a cab to my car. 

*Alex was actually responding to my text messages I sent him on Saturday night and Sunday during the day. Shocking because I usually get the silent treatment from him but he knew I was going out Saturday night. 

I was happy because not only was I being snuggled but a hot guy, but the one I was really into was finally paying some attention to me. Life was good in that moment and I drifted back to sleep snuggled up with Dustin. 

A couple hours later was awoken when I felt something hard brush up against my arm. It was his cock. Sigh. 

It’s bad decision time. 

I’m weighing the pros and cons of this situation. His brother is dating my BFF. We will mostly likely hang out together again. He is also a player and has a string of women at his beck and call. At the bar over the past couple weekends I felt like I was watching an episode of the bachelor, with women throwing themselves at him and he just brazenly tossing each girl aside. He wasn’t into any of them and I knew he also was not into me. If we do anything things will get awkward between us. However, there is a 9 1/2 inch cock bopping into me. The morning wood was spectacular as I snuck a peek under the blankets. 

I casually moved my arm up against his cock. Yep, he wasn’t lying. He’s well endowed. I snuck a peek up at him. He was still sleeping, or pretending to be asleep I wasn’t sure since he kept adjusting and moving his cock towards me it seemed. Cocks don’t just jump up and around. This isn’t a club spinning hip hop music. 

I resisted the urge for what felt like 30min. I turned and faced away from him but he spooned me his hard dick pressed up against my back. 

Sigh. The temptation was great and my hormones were jumping. I love morning romps and when I’m in bed next to 9 1/2 inches curiosity always gets the better of me. That’s my problem in life: I’m too damn curious.

I turn and lay my head on his chest, our legs intertwined, and my arm resting on his abs. He has an amazing body. I run my fingers through his light brown chest hair and trace my fingers along his neck, across his lips and back down to his chest again. 

His cock jumps and I feel it against my arm. I sigh. I am so curious as to how he would taste and feel in my mouth. Dealing with the average guy has been disheartening for me because there is just so much more you can do with a guy who is well endowed. You can do alternative versions with an average cock but it’s just not as much fun. 

I tease him with my fingers allowing them to trail all over his body and trail around his inner and outer thigh, always skirting and avoiding his cock. He remains in sleep mode but I know I have awakened him. When I stop because I’m not getting any response from him, he makes his cock jump and bump into my arm again. 

“Morning.” I whisper at him. 

He smiles. “Morning.” 

“Do you want me to stop?” I ask as I lightly trail my fingers across his abs and run them again so close to his cock but not touching it. 

“No, it feels amazing.” He responds. 

Encouraged I keep going each time getting closer and closer until I run my finger lightly across the head of his cock and down the shaft. I hear him take a quick gasp of air as I finally make contact. 

He is leaking and it is driving me nuts. He still isn’t making any move to touch me or say anything. I grab his cock with my right hand and my God…I love how it fills up my small hand. I smile and squeeze the shaft feeling more and more hungry. I feel his cock throbbing and pulsating. I desperately want to lick and taste him. I lick my lips in anticipation, rubbing the precum leaking out on his head and shaft. 

I take some precum on my finger and take a taste. 

“Mmmmmm….” I moan in pure pleasure at the taste of cum. I love cum. I just do. The scientific studies that say that injesting cum makes a woman happy is true. I derive so much pleasure from having what I like to call a ‘protein shake.’ 

I peek over to see if he has opened his eyes or will say anything. Nothing. Silence. The pillow Queen lays still. I am feeling confused and unsure how to proceed. A part of me wants to give him a blow job and the other part of me feels like I’m going to rape him if I do. So I ask. 

“May I please suck your cock?” I ask in a low, sexy whisper. 

His eyes fly open and he stares at me….. For too long. 

Normally it take 0.2 seconds for a guy to say, “yes.” However, this was taking too long. 

I laugh, flop on the bed on my back and put my hands behind my head. 

“Orrrrrr not. You can say no you know. You don’t have to say yes. You’re not going to hurt my feelings. You can say no. I’m not going to rape you here. If you don’t want to that’s totally cool with me.” I say, with a smirk on my face. I’m annoyed that he is taking this long to respond. 

“Yes. Yes, continue. That feels amazing. Don’t stop.” He finally utters. 

I smile and immediately sink between his legs letting my tongue swirl around the head, gently taking his cock into my mouth. I am thrilled because I am able to use my hands as well since he is so huge. 

I plunge his cock down into my throat and make myself gag  because, I love gagging on a cock and I want my saliva to flow in order to accommodate the ease of having a cock in my mouth and having lubrication for my hands as they were busy swirling around his cock, lightly tugging on his balls, and squeezing around his shaft. There was a fury of activity between my mouth and hands. I was thrilled to be able use the various techniques of giving a hand job as well as using my mouth. I was happily moaning as I sucked, licked, and pleasured his cock. It was so much fun for me. I felt like it was a feast for my senses. 

Within 5 minutes I heard him gasping and whispering, “I’m going to cum. I’m going to cum.” 

“Mmmmmm…..” Was my only response as I took him deep into my mouth and tried to get him down my throat. 

I felt his warm cum explode into my mouth. I greedily drank it down and licked his shaft in order to get any remnants I missed. 

I sighed happily and flopped down on my side of the bed. 

“Thank you.” I smiled at him. He just laid there and stared at me like a total pillow Queen. He looked surprised. 

“OMG. Now don’t make this weird.” I quickly said. 

He chuckled, closed his eyes and shook his head. 

“No really, everything is cool between us. Don’t be awkward next time we see each other. I know. I know. I’m like a guy. Now I need you to take me to my car.” I said absentmindedly as I grabbed my phone and began to reply back to a text message from Alex. 

A sense of guilt swept over me. 

Sigh. FML. I did it again. Another bad decision. I shouldn’t have done that. He’s the brother of the guy that my best friend is dating! Ugh. That’s so inappropriate. He was barely responsive. I felt like I raped him. He probably said yes just because it felt good but he has no feelings for me either. 

Dustin got up and went to the bathroom. While he took a shower I texted Alex. I wish I was laying next to Alex and I would have given a blowjob to Alex instead. More waves of guilt swept over me towing me under into a churning sea of emotions. 

My mind raced to justify my actions. ‘I was curious to know! Damn curiosity! It always gets me. Alex and I have not had the talk where he has said I’m his girlfriend. He did say that if I did do anything with another guy not to tell him about it. Alex hardly talks to me and he blew me off twice last weekend. I am just a hook up to him and I don’t think he even likes me either!!! ‘  My mind went into damage control to try to ease my guilt. 

I threw on my clothes, made the bed, went outside of the room and chatted with his roommate while I thirstily drank a bottle of water that his roommate offered me. 

“What do you want to do?” Dustin asked me after he got out of the shower. 

“I need to get to my car. I need to move it. I don’t know how long I can park there for and I don’t want to get another ticket. I have things to do today so I have to get going. I’m sure you do too. What are your plans for today?” I quickly responded. My flight response was activated and I just wanted to leave. 

“I have no plans.” Was his reply. 

“Well, I’m sure you’ll think of something. It’s a beautiful day out.” I replied coldly putting on my coat. ‘Escape! Get the hell out! Runaway! Run!’ My mind hissed at me. 

“Ya, I want to do something outside. I don’t want to spend it indoors.” He replied. 

“You should! You can go for a walk or a bike ride at Fish Creek Park. That would be fun.” I quickly responded. I was talking fast and I was eyeing the door.

“Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat?” He asked politely. 

“No thanks. I just had a protein shake remember? That’s breakfast. So I’m good. I don’t eat a lot. I’m low maintenance. I just need to get to my car. I would have left at 8:30am again but I didn’t have my car and my winter coat. It was too cold to walk so I stayed since you were miffed that I left yesterday without saying goodbye. I just want to go.” I rambled on. I turned and put on my boots and stood by the door. 

He made himself a workout protein shake since he was hungry. We made polite chit chat on the way to his truck and while he drove me to my car. 

“Well, have a fabulous day! Thanks for letting me undrunk myself at your place. Bye.” I said as I hopped out of his black truck and quickly walked towards my car. 

Once inside my car I sighed with relief. ‘You’re safe.’ My brain whispered and my body relaxed. 

My car roared to life and I shook my head. Once again I made a bad decision because of my hormones. I need to control these hormones and my insane curiosity of a huge cock. When will I ever learn? 

The feelings of intense guilt followed me around all day long. I don’t know why I feel this intense loyalty towards Alex when he barely gives me the time of day. Even after I took a nap I still felt guilty. It was frustrating me because I don’t know why the guilty feelings wouldn’t go away. 

Alex texted me all day which probably compounded my guilt. I was happy that he was texting me but knew it would be short lived and he would go back to ignoring me the next day…. And it was so. Sigh. 

I so badly want to have a real relationship but I just don’t know how to communicate what I want or how to get what I want from guys. I do know that this certainly isn’t the way to do it. My life is a reminder to all as to what NOT to do. 

**** Names have been changed.

It’s bad decision time!!! 

Posted in Life at 12:59 am by Tablets of Memories

I think that next time I see a hot guy I’m just going to say: “You look like my next bad decision.” 😈

3 weekends. 6 days of drunken dubachery and shenanigans were had. 

Weekend 1: 

Leslie came down and we went out. We met and hung out with some gay guys. They were so much fun it was ridiculous. Afterwards we went to Singapore SAMs and danced until 4am trying to undrunk ourselves. Then we went to Josh’s place to finish the undrunking process. Leslie and him hit it off. The alcohol put me to sleep on the couch and I felt like a 3rd wheel anyway. 

Weekend 2: 

True to his word, Alex came out exactly 3 weeks from his last trip. I was ecstatic. Despite the lack of communication, he was heading back out to Calgary and it sounded like he wanted to hang out and introduce me to his friends that were here. I brought out Leslie because Alex wanted to introduce her to his friend and so all of us could go party together. Fabulous. 

Friday, I get off work early, but all of a sudden he is “too tired” to go out. I was shocked. Am I being stood up? He was being coy with a meet time or definite plans on Friday but he knew I was getting off work early just to spend time with him. Turns out he was hanging out with the guys at the house and was too tired. 

Not one to waste an outfit, I called up a couple of friends and they met me at the Cactus Club for drinks. More friends came and we crammed into a booth laughing, talking, drinking, and eating until 1am. It was great. I was so thankful for my friend Shaun who drove an hour to come console me over being stood up. 

Saturday was the same rinse and repeat. Hardly any text messages from Alex all day. Then the odd one at 9pm at night that said he was still “working.” To which I laughed and knew he was lying. Now this time Leslie is out and she is furious at him for standing me up Friday and now Saturday. So we head to National on 10th to meet up with a guy (Josh) she met last weekend that we partied at Singapore Sams with in the wee hours of the morning. 

Once inside National I got immediately drunk. 2 grenades, a Burt Reynolds, and a vodka cran within the span of 10 minutes: I was toasted… Taking into account I had not eaten that day and I’m 110lbs soaking wet, it does not take much to make me drunk. 

While I am drinking my annoyance away over Alex blowing me off yet again, I get a text from him saying that he is at Local (another bar) but leaving the guys and heading back to the house. I was pissed. I was literally 2 blocks away from him. He could have come to see me but he went home instead…. Although the slap to the face was probably the next text message that said, “the door is open, you can come over if you want.” FML. I’ve been relegated to a booty call. 

Well, that pissed me off especially because he lied, he wasn’t working, he was at another bar 2 blocks away, and if he really cared or really liked me or really wanted to be with me he could have met me and we could have gone to his place but he could have driven my car to his place. I just quit texting him and found a hot older guy to talk to. I was being and feeling very passive aggressive. In my mind Alex was fucking other women, and I figured 2 could play at this game. 

That night I got separated from Leslie and her new boyfriend so I went home with…. Sigh..Whatever his name was…. I think it was Graydon… Grayden…. Or was it Graham… I don’t remember. But I do remember still feeling pissed off at Alex. 

I was wearing my beautiful Fredricks red corset and my Miss Me jeans. The T&A were out to play. They were for Alex’s benefit but now he wasn’t around to enjoy it, someone else would. 

Unfortunately, my consciousness got the better of me and I didn’t want to have sex with some other dude. I just needed to undrunk myself. I made Graydon promise not to have sex with me because I was too drunk and we would just be friends. He agreed. He tossed me a shirt to change into, I took off my pants, put on his shirt, and snuggled in for a nite cap. 

For once, a guy listened and he didn’t try anything. He just snuggled and spooned me all night long. It was great. All snuggles, no sex. That was a first and I felt so happy. 

In the morning Graydon looked at me and shook his head. 

“Just so you know, if you would have given the word, I would have fucked you. You have an amazing body and you are so fuckable.” He utters as he stares at me. 

I sigh and look at him. I can see his face is filled with regret because he didn’t do anything and he is being sincere. 

“Oh. Well, I’m not sure what to say about that. Thank you for keeping your hands to yourself? Thanks for the kudos or high 5 for thinking I’m hot enough for you to fuck… That makes me feel… I dunno. I’m at a loss for words because this is just a weird thing to say to someone. But ok?… I need to go to my car now.” I reply. 

We idly chat about his dogs, his job, life, etc. just making polite conversation. I thank him for dropping me off at my car and even though we swap numbers, I never hear from him again. Which, quite frankly is just as well since he is still getting over his alcoholic exgirlfriend.

This seems to be a theme. I seem to attract men who are still getting over their ex. Just my luck. I think the universe is trying to tell me something. 

Sunday I once again leave work early to go hang out with Alex. Really, at this point I should have some self respect and tell him to fuck off but nope, bad decisions need to be made or my life isn’t complete. Off I go to meet with him and most likely hook up with him. 

I head over to his place around 10:30pm. I sheepishly meet the roommates on my way to Alex’s bedroom. I can hear them giving Alex a hard time when he goes to get us some water. I don’t feel ashamed, instead I feel like a cougar on the prowl that just managed to corner a man in a den, and now, I was going to feast on an abaliciously sexy man. 

Alex’s excuse for blowing me off Friday and Saturday? He had a headache. I found it odd and funny that he didn’t mention that on Friday and Saturday when he was texting me. 

My intuition was screaming at he was lying. 

‘I sure hope “headache” was hot.’ I mused to myself. 

I just smiled like a Cheshire Cat, I had my own fun without him. I looked at him, and gave him the ‘oh, poor you!’ speech. I don’t believe a thing coming out of his mouth and at this point my brain and body have moved him into the ‘tap it and forget it’ box. I can feel myself removing any attachments and snipping any strings that are tied to him. 

My brain switches over to objectifying him, my walls go up, and he is now the fuckboy in my head. 

He is such a sensual kisser..Maybe it is the Italian in him… This is the one thing that makes me want to keep him around; he is an amazing kisser. Kissing him makes my body forget it has knees. He has such beautiful pillowy perfect lips, wonderful for kissing and sucking on.

 His kisses start off soft, then they turn more passionate and urgent, as if he was passing through a desert and I was the water he so desperately needs in order to survive. I let myself go and be swept up in his magical kisses. 

We have sex but my body refuses to orgasm for him. I don’t have an emotional connection to him therefore my body and mind refuses to orgasm so I won’t get further attached. Thank you body and mind. 

Afterwards, we snuggle for a bit then he sets up what I shall call “the blanket wall.” WTF. This is a deal breaker right there. I love to snuggle all night long but apparently he doesn’t like to touch at night while he is sleeping. 

“It has nothing to do with you. Really. It’s me. It’s just a weird sleeping habit I have.” He tries to explain. 

“What did you do when you had a girlfriend that lived with you?!?” I asked a bit shocked, but more annoyed. I am trying to be understanding but I am feeling hurt. 

“I would put a pillow between us.” He responded matter of factly. He sounded annoyed and upset that I would question him. “It’s just a habit I have.” 

“Ok.” Was all I could muster. I flopped down on the bed and I try to be all cool about it as I curl up on my side feeling very unappreciated, unloved, and once again shocked. 

I love to snuggle. It is such an intimate thing. However, he is probably distancing himself from me too or maybe there are issues of childhood abuse he has not told me about. I don’t know. I give him his space and fall asleep. 

In the morning I could tell the blanket barrier was over when all of a sudden he wrapped his arms around my body and drew it close to his. 

Morning snuggling led to morning sex but once again I didn’t orgasm and neither did he. It’s a sign we are done. 

“I have to go take a shower, and I don’t mean to be rude but you should go now. I have to pack, clean up, make the bed, fill out my time sheet so I get paid and get ready to head to the airport. I just want to do that on my own,” he says quickly as he kisses me on the lips and on the forehead. 

I feel numb and dead inside so I don’t even feel bad or used. 

“Ok, have a safe trip.” Is all I can muster. My mind is screaming bullshit. I know it is. I was around the last time he packed. He doesn’t have a lot to pack. Everything is contained into 2 bags and it is not hard to toss things in, he’s a guy. 

I sigh and watch him go down the hall to the bathroom. I do my make up and make the bed. 

When he comes out of the shower I’m still there. He gets dressed then says, “I’ll walk you to the door.” 

On my way up I meet another roommate, I do the wave and polite “hello.” This time I felt bad coming up the stairs and being herded out the door. I felt used, unloved, and unworthy. 

He kissed me goodbye and seemed like he was in a rush to get rid of me. I was irritated and annoyed over this entire weekend. Mostly, I was irritated at myself for not having the self respect to say no and stay away from him. 

Detach. Unattach. Runaway Baby. Run as fast as you can. This one is a heartbreaker. 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

November 11, 2015

Know your role in life. 

Posted in Life at 4:23 pm by Tablets of Memories

Sometimes it’s just important to know your role in life. I’ve come to realize that with men I am just a toy. I’m good enough to fuck but not good enough to love. That’s just the harsh reality of my life. As much as I wish it were different, it’s not. I probably have a sign above my head that says, ‘hit it and forget it.’ I’m the girl you hook up with then toss aside. 

I hate playing games and I hate this stupid dating dance that people do. I am terrible with words and always put my foot in my mouth. I have a wonderful knack and ability to drive guys away. 

I watch all my friends in relationships, they have men begging to be with them and they don’t even want to be with them. It’s like they date the guy for awhile then toss them aside, but they are always in a relationship. Guys are tripping over themselves wanting to be with them. 

At the bar last Friday I watched as my friend smiles and effortlessly says the right things, her charm and humor just hooking the guy in. I’m in awe at her skill. As I watch the encounter take place I kind of feel sorry for the guy because I know he is just a toy for her. He will eventually get hurt when the fun is over. I know she is not looking for a relationship, she just likes the game. Men are all over her and she doesn’t even care. She handles all of them like a conductor commanding an orchestra. Each one just an instrument she plays. 

I have a better body than her and would actually have a relationship with a guy but they are smitten with her words, her aloofness, and they way she makes them think she’s not into them. This causes them to chase her. 

I sigh and look out over the crowded bar. I wonder how many people out there still feel lonely despite being around a bunch of friends or people. 

I’m just so lost and I feel so frustrated with life in general. 

Alex is coming out to see me again on Friday. I am not even excited about it. I’m just his Calgary hook up girl. He hardly texts or pays attention to me and he barely connects with me while he is away. 

I’ll talk to him about that while he is here. However, I’ll probably say something wrong and offend him like I always do with guys and he won’t want to talk or be with me again cuz I have that awesome charm about me. 

I’m really not worried about it. I couldn’t keep a guy in my life if I wanted to.

Im not being a martyr or feeling sorry for myself. That’s just the pattern and that’s just the way things go. I’m done trying with guys. I don’t feel like memorizing a script or learning some crafty way to seduce men like all these dating sites suggest. 

I’m just authentic and real. If someone doesn’t like me for me, I’m just going to get a dog eventually. I’ll add to my animal collection. 

I just need to focus on me and work on getting another job, I may just go back to university again. I don’t know what to do in life and I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. I feel so frustrated and upset over everything. 

My role in life is the girl that men fuck then toss away. Guys just think I’m good enough to fuck but not good enough to love. That’s just the way it is. The sooner I just integrate that and quit hoping for anything more the better my mind space will be. I’m done thinking I will ever have anything more. 

November 1, 2015

Mr. Big

Posted in Life at 2:50 pm by Tablets of Memories

  
My daughter is Skyping her boyfriend and we are raiding my younger sons Halloween candy, because I figured I wanted candy for lunch. 

I find a Mr. Big bar and happily cheer, “whoooo hoooo!!! A Mr. Big! When you’re this big they call you MR!” 

“Ya, but mom, (insert boyfriends name) is not that big,” she retorts. 

I began to howl with laughter. I look at her boyfriends face on Skype and his face falls. I laugh even harder. 

“That’s not what I mean!!!” She wails. I laugh even harder. I laugh for 10 minutes straight, I can’t even walk straight right now. I am doubled over laughing hysterically and I finally leave the living room to go to my room and collapse on my bed in a fit of laughter. 
Hehe…. I’m terrible, but seriously though…. I can’t help it. That was the best. 

On another note. I love Mr. Big in the chocolate sense of the word and the naughty sense of the word. 

Dear Men

Posted in Life at 7:54 am by Tablets of Memories

Quit sending me cock pics. The only thing you are doing is taking yourself out of the running for even dating me. So knock it off. 

The majority of men must think their dick is big. Here’s the news flash, it’s not. I’ve seen bigger, I’ve been with bigger. Unless your cock is 10 inches long with an impressive girth to go with it, don’t bother sending me a pic. 

It’s annoying as hell for me to receive a cock shot. Unless I’ve been in bed with you, I don’t care. Showing me a cock shot early in the game just automatically makes me respect you less. 

Just like men like the chase, so do I. If you show me the prize without allowing me to unwrap it myself, I lose interest. 

Unwrapping a cock is one of my favourite things to do. It’s like Christmas, you just don’t know what you’re going to receive. The anticipation, the reveal, all thrilling to experience. 

Just like all wonderful presents, it’s best to keep it wrapped up until I’m in front you so I can actually recieve it. 

Another thing: I have discovered that if men brag about how amazing they are in bed, they actually are terrible. So knock it off. 

It is much better to show me than tell me. Actions speak louder than words. If you ruin the surprise or the experience then it’s like watching a movie that someone says is really, really good…. When you go watch it, the movie turns out to be just okay because you wrecked it by giving away the spoilers or ramping up expectations so high, so that in the end… It’s just average and nothing to scream and shout over. 

I will smile and tell you I had a good time because I don’t want to hurt your feelings… I’ll let someone else deal with your lacklustre performance because I won’t be back for more. 

Sincerely, 

Me

October 14, 2015

Slip of the tongue

Posted in Life tagged , , , at 2:10 am by Tablets of Memories

“Goodbye! I love you!” The words flew out of my mouth like birds being released into the sky. They flew out quickly before I could stop them.

At that moment I had a surreal experience of having an out of body experience where I found myself looking down at body for a split fraction of a second. When my conscious brain had a flicker of what was happening, I slammed back down into my body reeling with the weight of those words on my brain. It was almost as if someone took over my body for a second and said those words, not me. I instantly was freaking out. My brain was reeling and spinning.

“I love you too!” he replied.

My eyes grew big as saucers. It felt like I was hit in the stomach and the wind had gotten knocked out of me. I panicked and got so scared. I felt like I want to die a thousand deaths in that very instant.

I held my breath, when my brain began to spin, my parasympathetic nervous system took over and I inhaled oxygen sharply. I was on autopilot, my only thought was to get into my car. I wanted to crawl under the seat of my car and hide. ‘Run and Hide!’ My brain screamed at me.

“Goruk uh umm err ya umm ah Have a safe flight!” I managed to stammer out as i walked around to my car.

“What?” he asked.

I couldn’t even look at him, panic had set in and I needed to get into my car. ‘Hide! You’ve made a fool of yourself!’ My brain hissed at me.

“Have a safe flight!” I yelled over my shoulder. “Later!”

I threw my hand up and waved but didn’t look back.

“Thanks,” he responded cheerfully.

Once I got into my car my eyes were wide and frantic. I fumbled to push the start button on my new Dodge Charger. The engine roared to life.

‘OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! WTF! What the hell was THAT?!? I LOVE YOU!???? I LOVE YOU???? OMG! Why would you say that??? You NEVER EVER say that to a guy!! Never! Where did this come from? It’s like you are possessed!’ my brain screamed at me.

‘I know! I know!’ I yelled back at my brain. ‘I don’t know what happened? What happened there!?! It was like I had no control over my words. They just tumbled out!’

Of all the things to say, ‘I love you’ was the death sentence to me. One of my rules is to NEVER tell a guy that you love them first.

Did I love him? No! No I didn’t. Even though I spent a weekend with him, I had no feelings for him. I liked him sure… but LOVE???? Aaahhhhhh!!! Love. Love???? Where did that come from? Not from me. I was possessed. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t my conscious mind that’s for sure.

Love from the girl who runs at the first hint of a relationship or a guy liking me for more than my body is just pure insanity! This has taken terror to a whole new level for me. Nothing screams run like the words, ‘I love you’ and I just said them.

My mind was reeling and I was just shaking my head. I can’t run from myself. I said them, but even more horrifying is that he said them BACK!!! 

What the hell was HE thinking?!? Did he mean it? I guess he likes me, I could see the way he looked at me, but love? What? You can’t fall in love that fast. I certainly don’t fall in love that fast. I was in full blown panic mode. Why would he say that back? Was he just parroting me?

I learned in my social psychology class that men fall in love quicker than women do but this is insane. Just insane. He can’t actually love me that quickly.

I don’t love him. Why did I say that? My brain was searching for instances when I said, I love you. My children. I told them I loved them all the time. It was an automatic pilot thing. Since I said it to my children all the time, my brain just automatically tumbled out those three little words to him. Yes, that must have been it. I didn’t have control over my brain at that moment.

UGH! What did I do! Now he’s going to think I love him. Is he going to freak out? Is he freaking out as much as I am? What do I do? Do I call him? I can’t take that back. You can’t take back an I love you.

What do I say? ‘Ya, so I was just kidding, I don’t love you. I had a brain malfunction and in it’s crazy state it said I love you, but I didn’t mean it, so I take it back. I don’t love you, I like you, you’re great, but love? Oh hell no, that’s too soon, too fast, not yet, nope, just kidding, haha, I like you, but don’t love you yet, so don’t freak out like I am doing at this moment….’ That sounds even MORE insane.

‘What did you do?!?’ My brain wailed at me. ‘He’s never going to talk to you again!’ 

I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I wanted so badly to disappear.

All of a sudden, I became aware that I was leaving city limits and I was on my way to Banff again. Ugh. This is what happens when I don’t stay present in life! I am on my way to Banff again. I wanted nature. I wanted the peace and love that I felt from nature. My soul was freaking out and I was on autopilot. It was heading out to where it knew it would be healed.

I stopped at the PetroCanada station on Hwy 1 and bought some aloe vera and honey water/juice. 10 bottles of it. I wished I could spike it with vodka. I wanted to go numb. I turned my car around and went back home.

I sent him a text message at 7:00pm when his flight was leaving.

‘Have a safe flight. Take care of you! I hope you get lots of rest.’

-nothing-

Maybe he was already in the air.

‘Everything happens for a reason. Everything is going to be ok.’ The calm, logical, peaceful part of my brain took over. A sense of peace and calm washed over me.

After consulting with Josh my wingman and BFF, he told me to just leave it alone and not say anything about it and give him space to process it.

I needed to process what I said. I enjoyed being with him but holy crap, love! LOVE! I’m still in shock that I said that to him.

I sent him a quote over Facebook messenger, “Correcting oneself is correcting the whole world. The sun is simply bright. It doesn’t correct anyone. Because it shines, the whole world is full of light. Transforming yourself is a means of giving light to the whole world. – Ramana Maharshi”

We are into the whole self awareness and self help thing so I sent that to him.

When he landed he texted back and simply said, “Thanks hottie, will look at it when I wake up.”

“I’m so glad you’re safe and sound at home!” I texted back.

I sent him other random sayings, or memes, or funny videos. Really, I should not be doing that. I need to give him space. Texting him stupid crap just makes me look needy, clingy, and as if I have nothing else to do. It was a nervous energy I was trying to expend. I should run instead.

At noon on Tuesday he sent me another text message,”Thanks again for Banff.”

Then I verbal diarrhea babble to him…. aaaaaaaaand here is where it will start going down hill…

“Mmmmm… You are so welcome! Thank you for the entire weekend. I had an excellent time with you! Best Thanksgiving thus far 😉 I am walking around with a smile plastered on my face and a dreamy look in my eye. When you come back we will have to head out to Banff during the day and check out the art galleries. You need to have a beaver tail. They are so yummy! Or we can take a dip in the hot springs or head out to Lake Lourise or go on a hike. So many things to do around the mountains. Did you have to go to work today?” <—- That is toooooo much babbling!!!

“Yea, never ends…” is his reply.

“Awww.. well hopefully you can reschedule your trip to Hawaii.” I add.

-silence-

…Until bedtime. I had sent him a bunch of edited pics of him from our trip to Elbow Falls.

“Thanks hottie. Sorry time f*cked up gonna crash. Talk tomorrow. ;)” He says.

“Sweet dreams bello” I text back.

I need to learn to STFU and just mimic the succinct responses he gives me and go back to being aloof with him. Tomorrow, I will lock up my phone and try again.

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