April 26, 2018
Relief
University is over for the semester. Thank God. I had a rough go this semester and could not win against my raging mind. The stories, the insecurities, and fears that my mind whispered in the deep recesses within the dark corners of my brain caused anxiety, panic, and depression to bubble up to the surface like a slow moving flood. I was drowning and barely able to stay afloat. I was shutting down mentally.
I am sure that one day I will look back at these days and be so thankful I am through. I know I will be able to use this darkness that I go through to help others along their dark path and light a way for them to make it through the stress of university or life. I have seven classes left. I just need to push through for one more year.
My children save my life everyday. They are my reason for living and keep me here on this spinning blue planet. They need me and it is what gets me through the days. Cognitively I know what I should do to dig myself out of this hole, however, there are days when I just cannot do anything but lay in bed and watch the battle unfold in my mind.
When I am in university I always have a deep under current of stress that flows and pulses through my body. I think I should be reading, studying, doing something else besides just being in the moment of where I am.
When my mind got out of control, I put my elastic back on my wrist in order to use my cognitive behavioural therapy I was taught to snap away all the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. For me it works. My brain is scared as hell over the elastic and it immediately smartens up because it knows I’m serious about snapping that elastic and leaving a large welt on my wrist. The brain hates pain; no matter if it is real physical pain, in the mind, or emotional pain and it will do everything in its power to protect me from it. While this is a great adaptive technique which helps humans survive by becoming aware of what not to do, it can also cause great calamity in the forms of self-sabotage, negative thinking, anxiety, depression, sadness, and feelings of worthlessness.
The elastic is my secret super power that causes the negative monster to retreat into the deep recesses of my subconscious. It lurks and waits for the moment to unleash its terror upon my mind once again when I let my guard down. It is such a wily monster; just when I think I have it under control, it subversively sneaks out ever so quietly insidiously whispering negative vile comments launching a sinister attack on my self-worth. I think I need to do some hypnotherapy and start doing meditations in the morning and in the evening. I am so burnt out; I need to start doing some intensive self-care to deal with the demons that dance around in my subconscious.
Tablets of Memories 